Solitude

Solitude is a complex thing. Is it rest and recharge?  Is it loneliness? The line is thin. Everybody needs a level of alone time in a day. But with COVID restrictions, some people got too used to being alone; like me. They also learned they quite liked being alone 99% of the time. That doesn’t always go over well, as you are often perceived as lonely or lazy. But solitude is quite a delight. Being in solitude for long periods? Even more delightful.

When alone, you have complete control over how your time is spent. I don’t have to do activities I don’t enjoy. I don’t have to listen to music I don’t love. I don’t even have to get dressed. You can watch half a movie, decide you don’t feel like finishing it and then play Roblox for an hour. You don’t have to keep watching the movie because the people you’re with want to. I get total control over what I do, how I do it, what I look like doing it, and how long it’s done for. What a delight.

Just this Sunday I was alone the entire day. I woke up, played Wordle, and didn’t speak to a single person until noon. I didn’t even change out of my pyjamas until one pm. I slid out of bed and slinked into my bathroom to do my skincare. Afterwards, I spent two hours on Pinterest looking at Halloween costumes. Then I did some psychology homework and an AP Bio info doc. Just because I had the time. The cool air-conditioned air around me was so delightfully still as it caressed its way into my lungs while I lay there knowing that the clock was ticking, ticking, ticking, but it didn’t matter. I had no one to appease. I made myself some KD for dinner and ate it in a socially unacceptable sitting position while watching season 9 of Suits. It’s a rather good show if you’re in the market for one. I subsequently finished some Spanish reading assignment and continued to binge Suits until eleven pm. All while knowing full well I could’ve been asleep by eight pm and gotten a crisp ten hours of sleep; nonetheless, I got five hours. Despite that, it was a day of peace I desperately needed as I’d spent the entirety of Saturday, a full twelve-hour shift, at school with a large number of people. Ew, that’s delightless.

On top of that, as someone who is constantly aware that she is being perceived, being around people is draining. It feels like you have to act perfect the whole time their eyes are on you. That isn’t an issue when in solitude. As I said before, you can do anything. No one has to know. Even if you’re not worried about perception, being around people is draining. That’s indisputable. It’s scientifically proven. Especially when you’re at a place where you’re mostly around people you aren’t comfortable with, like school. Everyone has a point where they start to disassociate with another person. Mine happens to be relatively early on. Unfortunately for me, hanging out with someone who’s disassociated isn’t too delightful. 

Solitude also allows for a reset I desperately need each day. After a long day of being polite and respectful to people who probably deserve to be slapped, solitude is essential to reset so I have enough energy to do it again the next day. Yay! It’s not a very delightful day if I don’t.

But even with all this, long bouts of solitude aren’t perceived well. People say you’re lonely because being alone must mean you don’t have the option to be together. Spoiler: it doesn’t. People say you’re lazy; because how can you be productive all alone in your room for hours on end, day after day? But simply because people think it doesn’t mean you have to adhere to it. Just do you, babycakes. 

Despite my level of solitude often being perceived as too much, it's perfect for me. My solitude allows me to have delight in my day by providing complete freedom of activity and sacred recharge time. It’s useless to attempt a syzygy with the people perceiving you, so just do you-all delightfully alone.

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