My best friend is cheating on his girlfriend. How do I interfere?
Written by Jiwoo L.
“I have a friend who’s dating a girl that I like. I know that he’s cheating on her. I want to tell her because I don’t think she deserves to be cheated on, and other people know that it’s going on. So, it’s embarrassing for her, even though she doesn’t know it. I also feel an obligation to my friend because we’ve been friends since middle school. I feel like, because I also like her, I can’t say anything about it because it might seem like I’m doing it out of self-interest. I don’t want it to look like I'm using this to make my move. I also don’t think he’ll take it seriously if I confront him. What should I do?”
Relationships can be messy, especially when romantic feelings and friendships mix. If your friend and his girlfriend have entered a monogamous relationship, then cheating by your friend is breaching this commitment. And while the urge to step in can be instinctive, your feelings for the girl makes having a clear course of action hard. Because of this, it’s important that you weigh the potential outcomes of different actions you may take, and how exactly they affect you and those around you.
Let’s just say, hypothetically, that this situation only involves you, your friend, and his girlfriend. In such a circumstance, the most straightforward approach would be to approach your friend first. In the best case scenario, he’s receptive and acknowledges his mistake and rectifies it. In the worst case scenario, he ignores you and continues his deceitful behavior. Regardless of his reaction, you’d at least have the solace of knowing you tried to address the issue head-on.
However, assuming he brushes you off, your next course of action becomes a bit murkier. From an ethical lens, considering the inherent rights of an individual, his girlfriend deserves to know the truth. She’s an autonomous person with the right to make informed decisions about her relationship. Yet, telling her means that you must accept two things. One, there’s no guarantee that she’ll be grateful. She may think you're lying or assume your intentions are muddy — worrying that you're trying to make a move on her. On top of this, since other people know of the fact that she’s being cheated on, she may think you’re embarrassing her by revealing it to her in this way. Two, you have to understand and accept that you’re not a hero. Don’t place yourself on a moral pedestal, and don’t expect to get anything out of telling her. The choice you’re making is a choice that is compelled by what is most ethical, and to expect something in return would be having the wrong intentions.
A delicate equilibrium exists, and there’s no all-encompassing answer I can give you. Ultimately, I don’t know enough about the tensions that exist between the boundaries of your friendship and the trust that exists in your relationships, but from what I do understand, your decision should reflect a core ethical value: an individual’s right to know the truth.
