Writing for Expression: Identity Through Writing
Written by Noah Y.
In his essay, “The Autobiography of My Novel,” Asian-American writer Alexander Chee explores the deeply personal and intricate process of developing his renowned book, “Edinburgh.” He weighs the depth of his own experiences against the contents of the novel, exemplifying the oscillating relationship between fact and fiction in the pursuit of a successful autobiographical novel. This piece, which is part of Chee’s acclaimed essay collection How to Write an Autobiographical Novel, explores his identity as a gay Korean-American author amidst challenges for the LGBTQ+ and non-white communities during Donald Trump’s presidency. Through the seamless integration of traumatic anecdotes and description of “turning myself [himself] into a character,” the author forges a personal connection to his audience, granting them exposure to his cognitive process during the creation of Edinburgh (Solnit, 63). Chee provokes a reflective journey in his readers, encouraging them to use writing as a method of discovering their own identity.
Throughout his piece, Chee exposes the reality of writing an autobiography and how he used it as a tool for self-discovery. While drafting “Edinburgh,” the author did not write a memoir about his personal experience. Instead, inspired by criticism of his lack of plot, he chose to channel his emotions and memories into a work of fiction, crafting a narrative that draws from his life but is not a direct retelling of it. For example, during a choir camping trip, Chee had a dream of kissing his fellow chorister and for the first time realized he was gay. He goes on the trip, believing it will be a “dream come true,” but what was supposed to be a moment of innocence and excitement, quickly becomes corrupted (McIntosh). The kiss happened “under the gaze, and at the encouragement” of the choirmaster. Chee, his mind overwhelmed with shame, was unable to accept that what he wanted so deeply had been corrupted, leading to his prolonged suppression of the event. Similarly, in “Edinburgh,” the story begins with a boy named Fee, a soprano in a boy’s choir. Their choirmaster is a known molester of boys, so when Fee’s friend and crush—Peter—joins, Fee comes just short of saving him. This spirals Peter into a series of “self-destructive behavior”, ultimately leading to his suicide (Cuda). By transforming his personal experiences into a fictional narrative, Chee was able to vicariously examine his past trauma, enabling him to finally seek help in therapy. This underscores the powerful efficacy of writing as a cathartic tool for self-reflection. For the first time in his life, Chee felt comfortable sharing his abuse under his “choirmaster” and from it, he gained the courage to ask for help (Solnit, 60). It stands, not only as a testament to the author’s strength, but also as a declaration of his belief that writing is catharsis (55).
As I read Chee’s essay, I found myself contemplating the intricacies of self-insertion and the striking parallels it drew with my own experiences in crafting college essays. The process of embedding myself within these personal narratives evoked a sense of self-discovery; however, it greatly differed from Chee’s in that while Chee employed writing to confront past trauma, I utilized it to explore my identity. When Chee planned his autobiography, he would use sections from a “binder” (61) — a collection of his personal written works — symbolizing a repository of his past experiences, experiences so tragic his editor claimed, “no one is going to believe this many bad things could happen to one person” (58). While Chee selected moments from his past, I, likewise, unearthed events that defined my character. I found that the more I reflected on my past — whether it be playing in HDB courts or growing up Asian-American in Singapore — the more convoluted my thoughts became. Coming from such a diverse background created by “discontinuities,” memories or facets about myself that do not easily intersect. It is this confusion that drew me to Chee’s essay. While he struggled with choreographing an equally interesting yet personal narrative, I grappled with weaving together a comprehensible mosaic of experiences. Amidst these challenges lies our shared struggle to conceive a coherent identity, as our diverse upbringings only put us on the threshold, leaving us unsure of how to consolidate our wide-ranging experiences. “The Autobiography of My Novel” pushes this concept that identity is not straightforward, but rather something to be discovered. Understanding identity is not achieved in a single attempt; it is a continuous process that unfolds gradually, so by writing, whether in college essays or narrative pieces, we push toward greater comprehension of self.
If you’d like to read the original essay that Noah responds to here, please click here.
